Summer, Spring, and Fall and thoughts about them all

So, I returned tonight after a long day of fellowship and fun with my friends from my Sunday school class, some of whom I have not seen in what seems like a year. It may have not been quite that long, but it certainly feels that way. I decided to go to MC, initially just wanting to get away from my family, somewhere distant. But whilst being at college, a Christian one even; I grew to know more families than only my biological one. One of Spiritual Fellowship with friends from MC, those from First Baptist Clinton, and those from my home Church Hunter Street Baptist in Hoover. Along with a changing yet vibrant relationship with my parents. I see changes in myself nut I don't quite know where they are leading or what I may be doing even 2 years or even five years (don't ask me where I see myself in the future; I don't know). But what I do know is that God is in control of things that are happening to me and within me; seen and unseen. I was united today at the annual Church picnic with old friends and some who I have just began to become acquainted. The rain whose forecast was immediately ignored came fast and hard, but somehow the fellowship was just as good as if we had had perfectly dry and sunny weather. But it was cut a little shorter than I would have liked. I went to a picnic and didn't eat any food, except for the couple pieces of watermelon. It was very good :) We then went over to a friends house and had pizza, ice cream (thanks Clay!), and watched a movie or two. One of the most enjoyable and relaxing times I have had in recent memory. I hope to have many more in the near future. Maybe with less rain, though. Back onto the topic of school, I frequently miss the friends from home who I so rarely see. But at the same time I am just as excited to see my friends from School at MC. Maybe I do get a little home sick at times, but life goes on, doesnt it? Also, this past semester was a bit of a roller coaster. I was successful in achieving a B in Java (I am so proud of that!). Some of my other grades were not as good as I would have liked. But, in hindsight I guess I have no one to blame but my self. Consistency in spite of demands in several areas, all which require the same amount of intense fervor; proves very challenging. However, I know that man cannot live by his own strength, because he will fail everytime. But I forget that so easily and go back to trying to rely on myself. And I think that is what happened. I became so nervous about making the right grade in Java that the others began to slip. Now, lest you get the idea that I failed everything else; I didn't. But I did not receive the grades that I should have. I earned them par for my effort but my enthusiasm and commitment for the material should have been more. But it wouldn't have been of me or from me.

Possible Success and Hope for Avoidance of Failure

Last semester was one of repair. Repair hurts and it really sucks. Also, it isn't much fun. Well that is not to say that last semester was 100% morbid and depressing. I did discover more about my self and that I definitely should stay as a Computer & Information Systems major. Maybe first I should explain the why last semester (Fall 2009) was a semester of repair in the first place. In the Spring of 2009 I made a fatal error. I took Into to Problem Solving, which is basically a fancy way to say Intro to Java Programming Language; and Applied Calculus in the same semester. Bad Idea. I am terrible at Math, and it takes many many many hours of my time even when I have a moderate grasp of the material. However, I never had a Pre-Calculus class in High School. So I was jumping into a veritable pool of hot water. I hadn't the experience I needed; for the sake of metaphor: tip-toeing instead of jumping into the pool. Also, I was never really very successful in high school with programming. The most proficient I was at any language remotely resembling Programming was HTML (web page coding).

The Semester of Change

So I have had one of the hardest semesters yet. The funny thing about being in College is that I am both having the most fun of my life and the most painful times as well. This semester everyday in Calculus and Java Programming I was patiently awaiting those words "and next time..". Not because I wanted the next time to come soon but because I loathed my time there. Those 16 Monday afternoons in Programming Lab were some of the longest times of my life. Everyday while sitting silent I was inwardly screaming for an escape. Now comes one of those times where I finally have my answer.. and it seems like its not enough. I have my escape yet somehow its not entirely liberating. These two classes (Cal and Java) were the bane of my existance this semester. As they were both requirements for my major they left me wondering whether I am in the right field (Computer and Information Systems). Always, I had thought that with my skill in many things Technical that it was a given that I would go to college and study something to do with IT. Now throughout this semester, I began to not be as sure as I once was. The struggles of Academia was only one part of the hardship of the semester. I also frequently would for whatever reason feel alone, even if I was arouind a table of friends. Describing the rationale or lack thereof for this is difficult because I find that words begin to fail. I think it would be adequate to say that I was not satisfied with who I am or where I need to be. Part of the reason could be that I don't know who or what I should be in the future. But I'm praying that God in his goodness will show me the way. This semester frequently I would fall, struggling with feelings of inadequacy and the formentioned feelings of loneliness. But, recently I've begun to think about this some more. Being significantly introverted the best way for me to deal with something is to write it out or think about it. This may frustrate some people because I find it very hard to express myself in spoken word. Conversations don't come easy and thus it may be hard for some people more inclined with the formentioned skills to get to know me. Some of you (if people even are going to read this) may be interested to know that when I return to Mississippi College I plan on declaring Graphic Design. On Friday I will be leaving for Atlacomulco, Mexico to serve there helping with their computers, rosetta stone software, teaching english, and whatever else the ministry may need. Prayers, thoughts, wishes, thoughts of wisdom / encouragement / empathy are all welcome.

So, Its Been a While

So I have not posted here in a while. I must confess that frequently I get so wrapped up in Campus life and things that I must engage in on a daily basis that I forget that I even have a blog. I've gotten back into the word which I sadly neglected most of christmas break and the beginning of this semester following Ryen's inspiration in a Leadership Team meeting. I have many things that I want and maybe need to get out here in the open and its hard to decide which is most important or even applicable. So I think that the best way to characterize my current feelings and mental state at the moment is through song. On repeat on my speakers is Switchfoot's "Love, Life, and Why" from their 1997 release Ode to Chin. Lyrics Following:

Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping
And all of your searching
For what?
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Take away from me
This monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Could it be this
Could this be bliss
Could it be all that
I ever had missed
Could it be true
Can life be new
And can I be used
Can I be used

Give me a reason
For life and for death
A reason for drowning
While I hold my breath
Something to laugh at
A reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
And hoping for something
To hope for
Yeah, with something to hope for

Could it be true
Can life be new
Could it be all that I am
Is in You
Could it be this
Could it be bliss
Can it be You
Can it be You

This song so accurately describes the way I've been feeling lately, much better than my feeble words alone could have done. I've frequently felt alone, even when in a crowd of people. I have been praying to be covered in the awesome, comforting blanket of Christs bosom, warmer than the softest fleece. He is mighty, even through my struggles, depression and all. I am daily reminded of the sovereignty of God, he will provide for all of my needs whether they be fellowship, encouragement, just a kind word, or even teaching through adversity. I don't know where I heard the following quote it might be biblical or maybe not. But here goes (rough summary as I dont remember it verbatim): You can go through life and have no trials, but then what would you learn about God? If we had not troubles or cares we would not need to appeal to someone higher than ourselves. We would ourselves be a sort of God satisfying our own desires since we need nothing else. I've written a lot, maybe this would have been better written as two separate posts.

In Christ,

Weems

I do feel like it is time that I make a new post but I am somewhat unsure about what to tell. I do not feel like I have any news to share. I did make a C on a Math test in a class which has been my bane throught this semester. The effect of that grade still remains to be seen but I hope for the best. I am struggling through the semester more than any previous. It seems as if my prayers go unheard and that everyday I still suffer. But in my head I know god is still faithful, but my heart is scared. Several of my classes I have borderline failing grades, this isnt normal for me. And its not like I am not trying. I dont know whats wrong. Could this be a time of testing? I could go on and on but I dont think anymore that I say will make any difference when it comes down to my circumstances and the underlying causes of them. I know my foolishness all too well but in my spirit I seem unwilling to vanquish it. I could run away... But You Will Never Leave.

- Grace and Peace

Fall / Winter / Whatever Season it is now

So Ive read the comments of my last post and I have decided to fill their requests of a new post. I cannot promise that these textual works will be regular in appearance. Mostly because I am frequently occupied with the various toils of life on this fallen earth. Speaking of Fall, have you ever given time to think about why the season of fall is given its name. Yes, the leaves and the temperature drops but give it some more mental muster than that people. For me personally as the trees lose their clothing they acquire throughout the year. My contemplations and feelings become increasingly despondent more than normal. I experienced the same phenomena last year and in one way its expected. But in quite another way, I crave and long for something. The best word our feeble language that English has for it is Happiness. But its so much more intense and fulfilling than a fleeting happiness. It really has been a battle to get up for class. Now I know this may be a cliche thing to say, being a college thing. But its true, when I wake up I am so fatigued its like I ran a mental marathon in the ephemeral land of dreams while asleep. I know its because of the struggle with depression and sadness that I feel this way but Im not sure where to turn. I know in my head God is there but I still run. Hes there, and I prayed to him tonight at church with a earnest heart. But everything I could ever say feels as if Ive said it a million times, filled with empty petitions to a holy God. He and only can give me hope and I know this but I forget oh so often. There's a line from a song Ive been listening to lately, "I was busy doing other things but now I'm coming clean, Hallelujah Broken Son Heal the Hearts of Broken Ones". This line epitomizes the way Ive been feeling lately. When I was at church tonight we had whats called a "concert of prayer". Which is a time of leading in prayer and honest seeking of God. I kept praying for him to let me hear his voice in life and I think hes trying to say something to me. But I am having trouble hearing it. I keep thinking about what the man in chapel on Tuesday said about pathos and the "willingness to suffer". Our surface level experiences with God if we have that have become way too common today. He was very right about the legalistic attitude many churches take to Christianity, "be good and you'll be alright". This "doctrine" if we can bless it with such a title, is evil and most be opposed at every turn. It doesn't only appear in the Churches many people today think that no matter how they live on a day to day basis as long as they are "generally" Good people then they will be saved. There's just one miniscule detail, sarcasm disclaimer here, only Jesus saves our souls. Before I go I would like to leave you with a splattering of Scripture that has been helping me through my struggles.


Ps. 71
In you, O Lord, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame!
In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
incline your ear to me, and save me!
Be to me a rock of refuge,
to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.
For you, O Lord, are my hope,
my trust, O Lord, from my youth.

Fall

Well, I must say that I am tired of the nonexistence of sunshine and the constant rain. Rain and the Cold temperatures combine to make me shiver uncontrollably at times. Sometimes its so cold that I wonder if someone walking by could mistake me for someone having a seizure. Sometimes people say that you shouldn't care what people think about you and to formulate your own ideas about things but sometimes I just cannot help it. Another thing that this time of year does to me is make me more sad than normal. Its the middle of the semester and professors are really turning up the burners and combined with the cold weather it makes for not a very pleasant time of year. Many times when I am sitting in a class that I don't care much for I fantasize about reading a nice long book by a large roaring fireplace for a very long time. I guess I just want to get away from everything for a while. At this point in my life last year as a high school senior I thought that if I just made it out and into the Collegiate world then everything would be great. It was a great idea, but I think in the end that was a fantasy. Don't get me wrong I love College and MC. The people are great and for the most part I love my instructors too. But some of my pre-conceived notions about college were just unfounded and not based upon any shred of reality. College isn't this place where everything is happy all the time and you don't have any worries. It is fun, but it isn't all about fun. I guess that fantasy came from the Human longing for a place where you can get away from all the stress, work, and everyday mundaneness of life and the routines that go along with it. Life isn't happy all the time and it wasn't designed to be that way. I honestly believe that without the wonderful foundation I have here at MC with the great friends, Christ-like role models all around, and the prayers of my fellow Christians on campus and back home I would not have been as successful as I am. There are still daily struggles--and its a journey--one day at a time.